Category: diary

thanks

thanks for all your kind remarks and the pointers that you shared with me; at the tempo mail comes in, i will not be able to keep them all, that, and sorry for those i mistakenly regarded as spam; a site like this is a lot of work… thanks for your support!! uptil now (though it’s a lot of work) i read everything, even the most Obvious to be spam…

maybe lateron today i will post some photo’s i made; i think those were a thank you from the gods, because i participated in the eye-contact-event; i finaly got a big bird of prey, before my lens, an actual free living hunter, here in the village; though there must be more, i think it’s exciting!!! and nice pictures too… i think i am growing… ghegheghe… might be glowing too…

i will put those pics on an extra page; they are interesting enough to look at, and look at again, not like a blog, where most of the posts are actualy old news…

 

thanks again,

peter

damn!!! i fucked up… i still had my iso up…. wich means … no photo’s….helll!!! (i been waiting for so long… )

damn

a good friend of mine is dying; cancer; bleaarrgh! a bit sad… met a nice girl yesterday, i didn’t ask her number ( why bother? ) but it was good fun; probably won’t meet again (there when she was most needed)

maybe tonight i will go out and meet some friends; take my mind of things… won’t stay long… a bit fucked up, right now… won’t drink either; thea or none-alcoholic, something like that; i feel like i have seen too much…

yet another friend has been ill for a long time now; terrible disease; cancer also; i try to maintain my balance, but it’s hard…

i must say, though i am not taking this lighthearted, i am not realy depressed or something like that, i am getting better; picking up the pieces where i left… i am letting go… life has changed me… maybe i am finaly growing up…

listening to coil (horse rotorvator) & craddle of filth (cruelty and the beast) can be good therapy sometimes, save years on the couch; oh and by the way; Lana? you’re the bestest…

 

ahh well

c’ya…

-just now i hear a more distant friend has passed away… must be a big party upthere 🙁

soooo tired

i wus advertising a lot; not that it did help, or do much good, and working hard to get my pages going; i did do a friends page aswell ( and a few others too) and now i am soooooo freaking tired- i only want the simple things; hanging round, posting something, taking a picture, writing a poem… but what i am doing now is hard work! have to keep myself informed; checking this and that; asking people for atention, for a view, socialising, networking, bookkeeping, taking wins & losses, at the same time getting myself to create something again; music, paint, photo; etc… friends asking; what are you doing? (bit anoying) working hard on myself; trying to get more work done and getting more stable at the same time; this realy fucks me up; i have had enough now…

i will keep to my plan; hey i am doing the best i can! after all i am only human too… and i have a lot of off-days! if nescessary i will break myself free….  i will claim my life again; this is my life; my goals, what i want to do, and what i can do; i am no superman… it is supposed to work for me, not against me!

ah well, a few successes; somewhere around 1900 folowers; that’s nice; close to 100 visitors dayly on reepke.com and my other sites and blogs doing well enough… not even close to this one, but i never intented them to be…

now for a few weeks of rest and working out; i want to amuse myself wiht my posts; this has got to be; otherwise the effort is realy too much…

thinking; when did i start this crazy train? i wus getting better, years and years ago; and i wanted more and more; and i won a lot, lost a couple; must have been almost 30 years ago; far i have come! but now i am hitting a brick wall; not much to winn anymore; at least not on short term… as i have said before; now i will have to accept what i can’t change…

still i might be the happiest person on earth (or i should say might become; i am still working on it; though happyness isn’t a goal by itself, to me…) i have known hard times; and i got through, i even won eventualy…

this is how messed up i am; i posted this as a page; gheghegheghe; ah well, i fixed it; now as for tags; lets see….

 

peter

update: best advertising i ever had was advertising myself, with postcards on flyerpaper, presenting myself and my art, while engaging in (mostly) interesting conversations….

sports & stuff

i had hoped to be able to take less medicine by now, but i tried as hard as i could, and i can’t, there’s too much stressing in my life, bummer!!! i am working out something for renting a place of my own; still advertising, still clearing up the mess, still working hard to be ready… this takes up all the energy i have… still i am trying to lose weight, build up muscles, and stamina; as it is i am not very strong, very easily out of breath…

so i am pumping iron again, riding my bike, taking walks etc… finaly i am beginning to feel better about myself; from time to time i find myself smiling, for no reason…

also i am working on my sites, reading books (clearing up the mess) figuring out what is absolutely nescesarry an what has to go… i realy want to keep the good study material up, i have a lot of books on social behavior, that i realy want to study, because social behavior isn’t my strongest point….(at all 🙂 )

things seem to be working out, for now, lets hope it stays that way…

i am develloping a lot of things on my creative side, wich you will hear/see, in the nearby future, but for now, housing takes up my every breath…

that’s all for now,

c ya soon

procrastination-glasses have arived!!!

i have been delaying for as long as i could, not that i hate the idea, but finaly i made up my mind; i am not putting up with it anymore, time to do something about it, for more than a year now, quite a lot more, my seeing has been crap, i couldn’t even read street-signs from across the street, anymore; i pat myself on the shoulder everytime i “recognized” a shield, but truth is, i don’t see dick anymore, so now word is out; finaly i have ordered me a pair of glasses…. ( 🙂 ), first one to make a funny move will be dead within secconds… yes! i can see you!

so i went to the optician, had my eyes measured, and a pair of glasses will come my way in about two weeks; a bill, a costly Enterprise… 550 euros, with every reduction, and Insurance support accounted for; wow, that is a lot of money for such a fragile thing! i wouldn’t if i didn’t have to…. 🙁

but happy now, it has been bugging me for quite some time and i feel a lot better now i took the big leap; it will take some adjusting, but i suppose i will be ok, it’s not the end of the world, it is not like i am getting weak in the brain 🙂

so now you will be able to read how glasses made my life absolutely fantastic…. ghegheghe

c’ya

peter

 

update-

my glasses have arived!!!IMG_0490[1]you can breathe now…

i think i did rather well, didn’t i?

and a good day to you too…

peter

quite a fuss…

it has been quite a fuss, down here, my dad had an attack and was in the hospital for a week, then recovering, getting his speech back among other things; nowadays, there is more for me to do, got to lend a hand, and that is ok by me, that is… if i can get my own things done aswel… lots of misunderstanding… i hope it will get better… after all i am only human…and i am troubled too…

hope i can find the time to go to gallery nasty alice again… a good way to ease and distract my mind (make some photo’s; cus i am still learning….)

now i have been sober for a week (figuring… is it ok? should i do less, more? 1 beer in a week…that isn’t much, is it?) my body is having trouble with alcohol, a few beers is ok but it is realy wrecking me… again i am thinking about not drinking at all… but then, nothing, realy nothing? it still seems like a bridge too far…

after two and a half year of being a non smoker, i still have those moments i realy crave for a cigarette… awhile ago it was quite horror again, still fighting it…ghegheghe, but now more positive about it

breaking my other habits is coming aloong nicely, a little trouble sometimes, but it is ok, though i am gaining weight again (not good, pfff…) where the fuck is that coming from? working harder, and harder, and eating better and better, no fat, no Sugar… pffff…..(i guess i will be ok, but actualy i hoped for some weight-loss by now….)

i have been looking up some old stuff lately, giving most of it away, but strolling down memorylane too, and it is nice to be helpfull…

oh, i think there is some more work waiting for me, gotta go now, you behave, you hear!

peter

hi there, hello!!

i haven’t been well at all for quite some time, but things are looking up again, or at least i am not that depressed anymore; still lonely, but hey…welkome to the real world or something… it isn’t all a bed of roses, have i got news to tell you? not much… i wus practissing my quena flute; i have been for quite some time, biggest part of a year, i guess, but what i mean is, only recently i am beginning to play music with it (oh, joy, oh, joy) you can actually expect me to reccord a few new melodees and post them here on my reepke.com! i have also been practissing my guitar, i wish to reccord and post an updated version of “droevig liedje” wich is one of my favorites…

i am still fighting off depression; life has been quite hard on me; but i am letting the Sunshine in, i try to enjoy myself; going out, visiting freinds, that sort of thing

weight is doing ok, body is doing ok too, still facing my almost-addictions; like Sugar, but i am letting it hang loose for awhile, take what i have accomplished, and more or less consolidate (if that is the right word); sometimes i am spinning to hard because of what i am trying to do; that’s not ok; working on my health is ok, attempting at it too hard is not… that’s like inviting failure (ghegheghe)

this new version of reepke.com is getting more fun; gotta be careful too, lately i am nearly getting too much visits, it is nice, but i wory…it is realy a bit overwhealming sometimes; gotta deal with that too (gheghe) (luxury-problems)

as y’all know i have stopped smoking; i can realy reccomend e-cigaret whitout nicotine, to get through the worst…i am free now…and glad to be…. (not smoking, nore e-smoking anymore; freeeeeeeeeeeehhh!!!!)

thanks for sharing these moments with me, as for now, i am returning to my quena flutes, practisse some more; lots of love

signing off,

peter

 

for ever alone?

i have been alone for 27 years now, cried many tears, still, it looks everything like i am going to be alone for 27 more; that is, if i live that long…tried everything that was within my grasp, but i am not going to boast and bragg, to get female attention, why is it so hard to understand, that i don’t want to take up that much space, i let go of my ego years ago…being alone hurts…especialy after 27 years of crying, pulling yourself together, and falling apart again…i love myself too much to try and be someone or something else than just myself; so i will probably have to accept that alone is al there is… and that sucks!

never thought

never thought that i would ever be able to write a propper essay, or even a story, nowadays actualy it comes quite easy, even in english; though i am not a native speaker; but one doesn’t have to follow rules; rules are guidelines, there is no reason to obey (i uncovered that when i wus still writing poetry) (i can only write poetry in dutch, by the way…)

the last couple of essays (in dutch; on broeder reepken zegt ) had me quite content (i figured that only a few moments ago; but it is true; my writing seems to be developing into something totaly new for me; i am actualy getting better at this).

i hope tomorow i wil be able to go to the market, and take some pictures too (me drinking one beer; half of what i allow myself in one week; and yes! i have grown into that too…)

this week an apointment with my shrink might be schedgualed, she was urging me already a year ago, that i might try using less medicine, i wus reluctant then; well i hoped i could, but i thought i wusn’t ready; after my accomplishments last couple of years, i do feel ready; i get huge amounts of stressing things, experiences; but nowadays i manege, it seems that stopping smoking has gotten me more sensitive on the one hand, but also more flexible on the other; that is, a lot more flexible; a nice pize to win for me, being able to take less pills!!! yeah!!!

stopping smoking itself was sheer horror, for almost two years, but now i don’t crave anymore; i am almost completely free…

so i hope i can go to the market; see life where it is going on, happening; my that is an akward sentence; or isn’t it?

see you again tomorow?

reepke(n)