Category: diary

burn out!!!

for a couple of months now i have been completely fatigued, i mean realy no energy to do anything; its okay, to wash my windows, clean te kitchen or the toilet; kook some dinner, but otherwise i don’t get anyting done, when i try to organize, or actualy do something, i get verry edgy, i get anxiety-attacks, and even worse than that- it seems i realy have enough to handle right now, in fact: too much!!

i thought it might be a burn out, but my coach says, in my situation (my diagnosis) it is very common to be overstressed and overwhealmed at some point….comes and goes, something you have to deal with, your coach can help you get things done, make plans…

now for quite some time i was on three datingsites- not looking for quick seks or a relationship; just looking for nice (female) contacts, and possible friends; but i can’t seem to find the energy anymore, to open up yet another chat, so unfortunatly i have a paid contract with one of those sites, but in a few weeks i think i will take my loss and delete this, and all my other (dating)- accounts; i did notify my contacts about my situation…

now for years on end, i have been running, to get things done for other people; but this “thing” (burn out?) reminds me to start renewing my energy; not pouring it down hopeless pitts anymore, for one thing! it is time for some ME-time!! i wus no where around on my own charts, i neglected my own stuff, to do things for others; this has to end… i can’t cope with it any longer!! of course i like to help out- but then, just help out, not carrying your cross, AND my own!

nowadays i am rapidly losing friends; i seem to have lost patience for a lot of things… but lately people seem more and more like trains, (though i keep an ongoing effort) and for every bad one that leaves a better one comes in… it is worrying sometimes, and it might even hurt, but it is for the better… i might even like this… (ah well, somtimes somebody doesn’t fit, or doesn’t fit anymore…) it is a struggle, but i am getting to grips with it…

when i think about it, this was al i wanted to say, for now, but i have some more thoughts assembling; i might write a post about, what it was like, and what it did for me to stop drinking (nowadays; two years later, i drink or have drank occasionaly; i would like to learn something about coffee, thea, wine, beer; though i also like a glas of (tap) water, and too much is too much, i don’t want that anymore (seems i am too sensitive for that!!))

i might write a post on how i am doing in my world; advertising myself; advertising others; where i am at with my attempts to create something, that is worth watching, hearing, or reading (seeing) at least to myself…

ah well, quite a post… that’s all for now; hope all is well with you! this is Reepke signing off…

greetings,

love,

peter

(reepke(n) )

I am sorry; I didn’t get it…

it seems i have followers…it seems i even have fans… i am sorry… i didn’t get it… i thought u wus spamming me!!!…. for a verry long time i didn’t get any mail other than… buy viagra!! (as if i had any use for it… gotta be with someone first, i think…) but since i am getting serious mail; then i think i should respond; actualy…. that was the point of this site; so; what has happened, until now; i mean what are my plans with this site?

i am trying to reccord some quena melodys (Original ones!) that and my native american flutes is what interests me most; but also, i am picking up to get some ideas for a few fotoshoots, so i can expand my photopage!! i have bought a better lens; and a better camera (so, get to it reepken; what’s keeping u…!!!) i haven’t been painting much, lately, in fact i gave away, all my leftover paints and brushes and stuff…so i don’t think i will be painting much for a long time; sorry… no inspiration… i could try collage (assembling pictures)- but then i have a lot of things going, and a lot of things on my mind too…

(about those things on my mind, still getting to grips with the fact that i am living on my own now, i got my own space; and most thing i need doing, i have to do myself- that’s a bummer!!! ghegheghe- more than 5 years since i’ve stopped smoking (that’s a lot better now; seems i am more of a happy camper now…) 1,5 years not drinking; not realy putting in much effort; and as a result of that; getting more and more stable in the head…now finance is another problem i have to tackle… i can’t go around acting on every whim anymore, and that is hard, i never realy had to look into that, but now i need things for myself, and i will have to save some money… like i did, to buy some better pots and pans… an airco…. soon the heater will need replacing… things like that, i have to be responsible….pffff…there is no punk or rock’n’roll in “responsible” gheghegeh…)

so hopefully we’ll get some nice weather, so i can work on my photographs… and some time too, inbetween repairs around the house, and talking to my shrink and my psychiatrist; there’s still quite a few things that need to be done- housework never realy ends!!

ah well it seems i have a lot of things… things… maybe i’ll talk some more about that next time; but i got my dutch site too!!

by the way; i am thinking about reviewing some hotels and bed and breakfasts, and some art exibbits, out here in eindhoven, and veldhoven, kinda like a special service… i get a lot of attention from abroad, so it’s like one hand washing the other, i kinda like doing that too…

so, reepken is signing off; stay well…

love

one year…

it has been more than one year since i stopped taking in alcoholics (alcoholic beverages) i might have sinned, once or twice; five months ago i drank a couple ( 4-5) of beers, and two months later i had two glasses (“to the brim” ) with Southern comfort (wich was really nice, but also not verry nescessary; i mean, there was no need for it…) otherwise i haven’t had a drop of alcohol, since 29 novermber 2017… and my body is still changing, from not having alcohol; it seems my muscles are realy develloping now (my legs, mostly); it does concern me that nowadays i am gaining weight; i had some energy issues, but now i am slowly growing fat… that wasn’t the plan, ghegheghe…. i have been trying to keep a good balance, but i might need help with that; but then i should be a little more active, with me, it is not what goes in, but what comes out is too little, i have lots of excuses for that, but it is not cool… i need to step it up a little- having said that, it wouldn’t be ok to force it too much, i have come a long way; but… i might need some help…. actually i wasn’t thinking i would be able to do what needs to be done, all by myself, so i am ok with asking a professional…

so, i did it… almost one year completely sober….i think i will continue with my efforts, next year i mean, not drinking alcoholics, try to use even less sugar (compared to what i do now…) and thoug it is hard, and it costs a lot more money, i will try to keep on doing the ecological thing, also eating biological, and keep eating veggy food as much as my body and head allow me too…

for those out there reading my blogs; thanks for being around! hope i haven’t put anybody serious in my spam-folder; if i did, i am sorry, those spammers are getting too clever, sometimes it takes me awhile to figure them out! i do like mail, especialy from people like myself, kindered-spirits i mean, though i might not use the correct word…

ah, well, that’s all for now, thanks for being around! leaving my habbits and getting a grip on myself was quite an effort, but it was worth it!! of course there is no cure for my diagnosis (schitzotypical) but life is getting a lot better lately…

thanks xxx

peter

rollerskates

i have been getting bigger (fatter) and aswell as controlling my diet, i will try to do some sports; i did some fitness, but that isn’t helpful much when it comes to stamina, doesn’t help controling body-weight either; so for a while i have been trying to get some rollerskates; overhere only skeelers are easy to get by; when it comes to rollerskates almost none can be found; i didn’t want to order me some from the internet; never know what you get then…and i would have need for an internet-banking acount, wich i don’t have, and realy don’t want 🙂 but finaly my effort payd off, and i found me a pair (new) that suited me, and that fits too..; ghegheghe…

a few years ago i got me a pair of skeelers, and i realy couldn’t get used to them, i have been rollerskating for many years, and i realy didn’t want to switch, but it was the only wheels i could find… so they were collecting dust for awhile and i gave them away, just like the pair of skeelers i had before that; for the same reason, couldn’t get used to inline skating!

but now i have a pair of rollerskates again, and it feels great to be moving; at first i was verry weary; i wasn’t sure i would get the hang of it again, just maybe it had been too long, maybe i wus too old…but after a couple of times trying i am getting my skills back, for now it is just around the block, but i am getting the hang of it, and a taste for it too; more of a hunger actually…. 🙂

so… i am having fun, i am doing sports… and i am losing weight, after only a couple of times, maybe half an hour! and it feels great to be rolling again; it has been a big part of my life, and i welkom the oppertunity and the fun exorcise… it has been so long…rollerscates

about love

30 years alone,

at some point, I stopped giving  a fuck,

somehow, I stopped caring,

no longer would I waste my energy…

the only side of love

I have ever seen

is pain…

moved

sorry…. i had a stiff drink last night; wasn’t realy drunk; though i have a hang-over now…

but it is about time i posted something; well? i haven’t been well at al; i moved to another place and it was realy stressing; pakking everything up; trying to fit it in my new home… trying to pick up my new life… it wus hard… it wus realy hard… and it still is

i was somewhere in way outer-space; had to find earth again… i am only just getting a grip again; it took me several months… now i am here, looking back; i installed my own internet… got a computer by myself, installed it myself… happy and proud… it wasn’t realy that difficult…

so, picking up; finding my rythm; doing groceries; cleaning; keeping contacts… finaly getting a grip again… that’s where i am now…

cat is getting accustomed to his new place as well; hope i can take some pictures in the near future…

right now i am not having visitors; i am not going anywhere as well; groovy shit… i realy need a clear head…. and i am way off; i know this will take me a long time; but that’s ok… sorry people, right now it is realy too stressing…

well, i messed up another post; sorry for this chaos; it will take me awhile to clear my head… hope you don’t mind…

c’ya…

que(e)n(a)

i used to dream about having my own shakuhachi (japanese meditation flute), now i own a xiao (chinese shakuhachi), and will be owning a real japanese shakuhachi soon; i used to say (and still do) “the shakuhachi is the king of all flutes, though nowadays i’d rather fool around with the queen, the quena! 🙂

some pieces of my life are finaly starting to fit together, these flute’s can be a symbol for that; or a metafor….i waited so long, and worked so hard; hanibal said; “i love it when a plan comes together” 🙂

these flutes are quite expensive, have to save for a long time, but it is worth the effort….

i haven’t been posting a lot because i am moving to my own apartment; another big change! it has been a lot of work, and now we are almost done moving my stuff to my new place (i have a lot to thank for!) (my parents were like the big boulder, my storm and rage couldn’t harm…)

it will take me awhile before i will install me some internet, Phone, that sort of thing… still a lot of things have to be aranged, or worked out, and having my own pjuter and Phone will probably be the last thing i need to realy install myself in my new place, my new life…

ah, well, that’s all for now… maybe more next time,

signing off,

peter

tags

sorry for dismissing my tags, and my tagcloud; i had to find a better way to make use of tags; in a way it was anoying me, i wus thinking something like, those tags should reflect what i am all about, and the way they were, they just weren’t….

lots of things being happening; i will keep jou posted, but for now it’s just finding back my resiliance (my backbone, my spine) and being a little more happy…

 

that’s all for now,

and now, to work…

peter

 

110

what? only a hundred and ten visitors today? how disapointing! (ghegehgeh 🙂 ) i should have been famous by now…. no realy, today; almost 200 mb’s download? 110 visitors? i am totaly content, 132 visitors a day average, what more could i want; and i am stil growing; it is overwhelming 🙂 more than 10.000 hits in 15 days, a little under 20.000 a month average, that’s good… isn’t it? you make me glad… you make my day…

i am still looking for ways to improve this site; there was a lot more on here, not so long ago, i want to offer a lot; photo’s, paintings… whatever; my posts are getting lonely, this site needs flavouring; it wasn’t supposed to be just a blog… i do a lot of things…i want to show… still… work in progress, i guess…

so, now i am going to meditate some, and then go to sleep; there are great things coming…

also i am working on a few new things; we’ll see; some more flute pieces maybe, finaly some real quena-work? i do hope so…

c ya

peter

sorry i been so long…

i been fucked up for awhile, in fact, still am; it has been hard; nowadays i realy stopped drinking too; sober for five weeks now; body is picking up again; though it’s a shame, i had to; two beers in a week was still too much for my body to handle, so i thought; ahhh fuck it; and; what the hell; so i stopped, and i haven’t realy regretted it; what’s wrong with an occasional beer, you say, well, nothing realy, and i do miss it, but my body couldn’t handle anymore…couldn’t ignore the loudening protest from my stomach, my spleen, and my liver (lets not forget; my kidneys too!!)

mourning the death of a friend… wondering why I lived… (and getting stronger too) (maybe i wus just in time, to take things in hand…) this is a kick in the butt…

ah, well

trying to shoot a picture of my cat, not a all content with the last pictures i shot… i am getting more demanding… want to do something with light; and now retouching some pictures is an option too- i guess i am growing…

cat is lying here beside me, on the desk; he’s a fine specimen; so fluffy; and soooo lovable; he’s got the sweetest character…hey Bobbeltje (like the name Bob; but also “lump”) (ghegheghe) can you read this? … oh, he’s gone now…

for some time, i realy felt my hart hurting and thumping pain with every beat, but i finaly got a grip on myself again; set stress on a side-track for awhile, simple excorcise, lots of spirulina (sea-weed-pils (or powder) verry good for lot’s of things; i take them mostly, becouse my family has a history in cardiac-disease, and i have bad knees (yes it helps both and in addition helps my bowels too), a few special herbs… and lots of rest (no more drinking, smoking; whatever…), if i can do it the flex way, working on my site is actualy healing; it is nice, relaxed, and good therapy…and i am feeling better again! have to watch out, you know, those anti-psychotic-pils are a risk, of course…

i see my scanner has completed it’s mission to keep my browsing safe…(gehgeh) have to look in to that now… so, i’ll be seeing you…

 

lots of love…

peter